ARENA MAGAZINE
AN INTERVIEW WITH DEAN LEARNER

To the uninitiated, who is Dean Learner?

I’m sorry. I don’t explain who I am to Martians. (I’m implying you’d have to live on Mars to have not heard of me.) But seriously, I’m known for many things. I’m a club owner (Deano’s Soho; Deano’s North Acton; Voulez-vous Preston), celebrity manager d’estime, shipping magnate, a publisher of high-class men’s magazines and an erotic historian. I’ve got more pies that I have fingers for.

Why have C4 decided to give you your own chat show?

Channel 4 didn’t give me a show. I allowed them to buy it from me. I made it myself. And they should count themselves bloody lucky I got off my arse and did. You look at what’s on at the moment: it’s like chucking out time at Leicester Square. As regards how I came up with Man to Man, one night I was sat at one of my homes with the girlfriend of the time watching television and I thought, ‘Why isn’t there a show on which the forgotten heroes of our age are given a forum to discuss their life, their wisdom, and their hopes for the future?’ And then the answer hit me. ‘It’s because you, Dean Learner, haven’t made it yet.’ I told the girlfriend of the time to wait outside for a cab and I got straight to work

What can we expect in the show?

Class, sophistication, luxury, exclusivity, cocktails, conversation, elegance, finesse, poise, refinement, savoir faire, style, tact, urbanity, beauty, sanctity, wisdom, aestheticism, breeding, civility, delicacy, discernment, discrimination, enlightenment, gentility, learning, manners, refinement, taste, breeding, charm, class, courtliness, culture, delicacy, intellect, dignity, discernment, distinction, exquisiteness, achievement, anecdotes, wit, gracefulness, grandeur, lushness, magnificence, nicety, finery, noblesse, politeness, courtesy, propriety, purity, restraint, splendour, style, sumptuousness, symmetry, accountability, celebrity, fish cuisine, allure, glamour, pizzazz, canapés, champagne, hors d’oeuvres, and cleanliness. And some blue language.

How does it differ from, say, Parkinson?

It’s not deathly.

Are C4 quite happy for all your guests to be people who you represent in your capacity as a celebrity manager?

Put it this way. If an act isn’t signed to me, he’s either stupid or a victim of circumstance, and I’m not going to invite idiots or down-and-outs onto a high-class show like Man to Man.

Which of your many professions do you prefer? Acting, managing, peddling pornography, or hosting?

First off, my magazines are not pornography. They’re up-market erotica for the discerning connoisseur. Plus, I’ve had a thumb of Arena and right now you’re inside a greenhouse wearing a black pot on your head throwing stones at a kettle whilst skating on a recently frozen-over puddle. I love acting, but I know I’ll never be Chuck Norris, so it can, at times, feel pointless. As regards managing, I once said that the client-manager relationship is like a marriage. But it’s not. Your clients are always happy to shaft you. So I guess that leaves hosting. I don’t covet the limelight for myself. That’s why I’m so proud of Man to Man with Dean Learner. It’s a platform for the talents of others; it allows their voices to shine.

What’s the smuttiest porn you’ve ever encountered (and where can we get it from)?

If you don’t know where to get porn, you’re not old enough to be looking at it. I detect in your question a somewhat sniggering, ‘wink-wink’ attitude to sex. I take the Art of Eros extremely seriously. Virtually every recent important technological advance has been spearheaded by the porno industry. In fact porno is fast overtaking war as the primary engine of social and technological innovation. Yet when I asked the government to co-finance Ass Patrol VI, the Home Secretary didn’t even bother replying. In fact, come to mention it, I think he’s still got my original copy of Ass Patrol VI. But one has to separate reality from fantasy. In more innocent, younger days, I would view certain magazines by the side of disused railway lines and for many years after that I couldn’t get turned on unless the girl was covered in mud and earthworms. And that did limit my opportunities somewhat.

What do you think it is that makes a real man?

A ‘Y’ chromosome; a good quality aftershave (try my new scent Midnight Mist); and a smart belt.

And, man to man, who is your favourite man?

Is it arrogant to say me? If it is, I’d say one of my sons, whomsoever they might be.

 

DEAN’S VIP GUESTS -

GARTH MARENGHI, WORLD-RENOWNED HORROR WRITER

I first met Garth when I was working at Beelzebooks. He’d sent me a manuscript called Facebottom which was about a man whose face was half anus (I forget whether it was the top half or the bottom half). It was clear from day dot he was a genius. Right then and there, I bared my chest and asked him to sign it. I said, ‘This will be our covenant. I am going to shepherd you through the shores of showbiz.’ I was drinking quite heavily at the time. I’ve since sobered up, but my view on Garth has not changed. He is the greatest Imaginer since Blake. And much more reliable.

STEVE PISING, RACING DRIVER AND FORMER FORMULA FIVE WORLD CHAMPION

Back in the 70s, I decided to get into motor racing but was put off by the high costs. I set up Formula Five Karting. The cost of an average kart was considerably lower while the risk to the driver was far greater. I knew I’d struck gold. Although I still didn’t have a masterplan of how to make it all work, I knew I had the key to the door. All I needed next was to find the door itself. And what was behind it. Well, the very next day I found out. I had been attending to a recalcitrant client on the Old Kent Road and was fleeing the scene. I bolted out into the street and flagged down the next car, offering the driver four grand if he could get me to the nearest seaport by sundown. Within two hours I was on a hovercraft to Rotterdam. I’d found the future of Formula Five Karting, and his name was Steve Pising. You could tell that driving was in the guy’s bones. If you cut him, he’d bleed motor oil - that is a metaphor, by the way and not an invitation to slice and dice him. He has since become a dear and loyal friend/employee.

GLYNN NIMRON, STAR OF THE SCI-FI TV SERIES GALACTICOPS

Such a sweet man. He’s half-Hawaiian, which has restricted the roles he’s been able to get. For a long time the only jobs he could find were playing bellhops, waiters, cleaners, and foreign agitators, but when he came to play the role of ‘Bot’ in Galacticops the world fell in love with him. Sadly, he is now mainly type-cast as aliens. And, often, alien bellhops. But his new film Space Bandits from Pluto and their Pirate Pals is as good as anything he’s done. I think this one might get released in some cinemas. Ultimately, Glynn is a survivor. You don’t go through four sex changes without toughening up.

MERRIMAN WEIR, LEGENDARY FOLK GUITARIST

My music of choice is light jazz, but when I found out that no one owned the rights to Merriman’s songs, I started to really appreciate folk. This is his first ever television appearance on a talk show in a twenty-five year career. He’s a gentle soul, and I feel it’s my duty to protect him from the harsh realities of the music business. That’s why I take care of all his financial affairs and give him a small amount of pocket money each week. The show will feature an exclusive live set of some of his most haunting compositions (time permitting).

AMIR CHANAN, INTERNATIONALLY-ACCLAIMED MASTER OF THE PSYCHIC ARTS

Amir is a dear, dear friend and one of the most remarkable men on the planet. I’ve seen him float an egg one inch off the ground. Straight up. I first met him while I was recording a sex instruction LP for the over-50s and he was in the studio next to us recording his Brain Workout for 8-track cassette. We immediately hit it off. He helped me to get in touch with myself psychically and introduced me to a new type of religion where you can become your own god. The weekly fees are quite steep, but you can’t put a price on enlightenment. Most young people will know him from his controversial ‘Mind Fondle’ on Richard and Judy last year.

RANDOLPH CAER, CELEBRATED BRITISH CHARACTER ACTOR

Randolph’s a sweetheart. He’s best known these days for his work in the That Duck! films, but he actually started out in exploitation cinema. Indeed, he starred in one film that I produced and Garth Marenghi wrote, called B**ch Killer. Critics said it was the most disgusting, amoral film ever released. But what we were doing was showing a sick society its own reflection in the mirror. Did society try and right the wrongs? No. It attacked the mirror. And, regrettably, Randolph (Garth and I managed to keep our heads down). Finally, he’s going to get his right to reply. Also, we may or may not throw in a meal as he looks a bit strapped.